Preparing For The Death Of A Parent
“Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”- Buddha
It has been two years since my father passed away. He died on Halloween, his favorite holiday. I tend to view my father’s death through two distinct parts. One part of me was a frightened little girl who was devastated to leave her father’s body at the hospice where he passed. She left there kicking and screaming, feeling as if she had betrayed her best friend.
Another part of me felt at peace and deeply honored to be present at the end of a hilarious life well lived. That was the part who facilitated bringing dad to hospice and heard his last words be a ridiculous joke about his toe.
All of us grieve differently and grieving my dad has been an ever-changing experience.
In my therapy practice I see clients who struggle to take care of sick and terminal parents. Some of those clients have new families. Being in between parenting and caring for a dying parent can be overwhelming.
The stress of losing a parent is something that we can plan for and there are many things we can do to mitigate the pain and sadness. Before we dive into tips on how to support ourselves through this transition, I want to share a quote from one of my favorite therapists & writers, Irvin Yalom:
“Why, you may ask, take on this unpleasant, frightening subject? Why stare into the sun? Why not follow the advice of the venerable dean of American psychiatry, Adolph Meyer, who, a century ago, cautioned psychiatrists, 'Don't scratch where it doesn't itch'? Why grapple with the most terrible, the darkest and most unchangeable aspect of life? ... Death, however, DOES itch. It itches all the time; it is always with us, scratching at some inner door, whirring softly, barely audibly, just under the membrane of consciousness.”
― Irvin D. Yalom, Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death
I really encourage clients to spend time thinking about their capacity to handle death. Our tendency is often to deny death and put it away, not to be looked at. The reality is, like other guarantees in life, it is far better to be prepared than to have avoided the topic until it is too late.
Some tips in preparing for our death and the death of our parents:
1. Start collecting memories -
No matter what your family’s thoughts or habits around dying, most of us can get onboard with cataloging memories for our grandchildren. Start to ask more questions about your parents’ lives and upbringing. Gather as much info as you can. You might try things like Family Tree Memory Keeper or this link has a whole list of digital resources for tracking your parents’ legacy.
2. Talk about death -
Just start to have a conversation about it. Possibly ask your parents what it was like to lose their parents. Or ask them their thoughts on their own passing. You might want to read How to Talk About Death.
3. Consider practicing meditations & contemplation on death -
Since the beginning of recorded religion, meditators have been practicing the death experience in order to enhance quality of life and reduce the fear of dying. Vice did a great article on the subject here.
4. Practice “small deaths” on a daily basis -
One mindfulness practice is to focus on all the “tiny deaths” we experience throughout the day such as:
Taking an inhale and exhale
Finishing our workday
Finishing a meal
Witnessing the life and death of plants and pets
Falling asleep
Becoming more aware of these moments as “small deaths” allows us to become more accustomed to the concept of death on a daily basis.
5. Include children in the conversation -
Children can participate in a discussion and understanding of the death process. They can have a role during ritual ceremonies such as the burying of a family pet. We can use clear, simple language to begin to explain the concept and also start to label emotions associated with loss and grief.
Want to have a deeper discussion about becoming comfortable with death? Connect with us.